Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Seeking Gainful Employment

For the most part I love this time of year; where the excitement of back to school, new sneakers, schedules, routines and footie pajamas permeate my life. But this time of year also makes me kinda feel like I want to get a job. A real job. A paying job. A job that involves other adults who like their job. A job with vacation time, a 401K, and perks like company picnics, stock options and maybe even a company car. A company car that doesn't smell like feet and flatulence. A car that only seats two, and is not infested with fruit flies. 
I dream of a place of employment where, if someone comes to me with a complaint or hurt feelings; if they are in tears, frustrated, or upset, I simply direct them to HR. If they peel the paint off the walls or pick at a snag in the rug, I call maintenance and deduct the cost of repairs from their paycheck. A place where if someone pointed a Nerf gun or light saber at me I could get them fired. A place where group bathroom breaks are frowned upon. In fact, a place where I could take my bathroom break without having to explain to someone what I'm doing and why. That kind of place would be fantastic.
Then I think about all of the things I was born to do; the jobs that I would both enjoy and be good at: something that involved teaching, bus driving, event planning, disciplining naughty people, nursing (not the kind that involves a mammary gland or two), bartending, investigation, travel and tourism, or stand up comedy.
But I am those things already. And yeah, sometimes being everything for free is great...the best of all the jobs in the world. But a good amount of time it also completely and totally sucks the fun out of me.
A few days ago I sent my two older children off to school. There were no tears. In fact, this time of year also makes me feel like a cold, heartless, mother. I don't get upset or weepy when it's time for back to school. They get a quick kiss and a swift kick in the ass as they board the bus. I tell them #1 that I love them, #2 be kind to everyone, and #3 do a good job wiping so they don't smell all day. I don't really miss them when they're gone, and I kinda totally dread when the bus chugs around the corner to return them to my care.
See ya in 7 hours kiddos

I also sent my three year old off to preschool for a couple hours this week. Then I sat and enjoyed a 90 minute uninterrupted coffee break with an amazing friend. Undoubtedly there are perks to working from home and being my own boss (depending on who's version of "the boss" you buy into). And I'm sure many people think that as a stay at home mom, particularly one whose kids are all back to school in some way, I have it made. I should keep my mouth shut and enjoy my fantastic life.
But still...I have that longing. The longing to be out in the workplace with other adults. People who won't fight me for the toilet, use the company pet as a hand towel, or complain about absolutely every word that comes out of my mouth. People who will not chew on my car keys, pass me their boogers, or touch my stuff just to get my attention. People who understand that when I'm sitting in front of my computer, I am in fact doing something. People who will not care what we are having for dinner. People who will not, upon catching a peek at someone elses privates, start singing "I see your wiener, I see your butt." People who will not need to be reminded that their briefcase, purse or laptop bag does not ever belong on their head.
 So if anyone knows of any fantastic companies looking to hire, please just let me know. I just might throw my hat into the proverbial ring. I'm a fast learner, except for when it comes to financial transactions. I multi-task, and clearly work for cheap, but I would still prefer a check to direct deposit. I can give answers without understanding the question. I'm kinda funny, and can diffuse a tense or uncomfortable situation with my sharp wit. I'd also be the first to volunteer to run out for some Dunkin Donuts coffee should we all decide we want some. I have spent many an hour volunteering in my kids' school, so to say I can un-jam a copier or trace shapes onto construction paper in record time is an understatement.
Of course, I have only a few minor demands of my own. I'll need to be able to check personal emails, get on Facebook, balance my checkbook, make list after list after list of things I need to do, call my mom every morning at 8:30, text my husband, peruse Instagram, read my favorite blogs, reorganize the office furniture a lot, wear my pajamas and flip flops most days, only shower on M/W/F, and once every six weeks I'll need a half day so I can get my hair done. Cocktail hour often starts at 3:30 for me, so we'll need to figure out a flexible work schedule. Luckily my kids don't get sick a lot, so I doubt I'll need time off to care for them, but honestly...I have a headache most days of the week.